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Penny Lane's Journal

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

9:52PM - Its been almost a year...

woah, livejournal. haven't seen you in awhile!
I've been creeping everyone else's journals lately, and now making it obvious with comments and such. so I figured I'd throw an update out there, just in case anyone thought I was dead or something alone the likes (I have been a bit of a recluse lately)

Anyway, 2008 has easily been the best year I've had in a long time. I had a really challenging semester (Organic Chemistry II, Physics II, Neurobiology, and Genetics all at the same time? not a good plan) but I managed to pull through. And as most people know, I've made some major changes in my life!

Change 1: Love Life 08! Brian and I broke up. It was a long, long time coming. I won't get into details on here, but for me, it was definitely for the best. He is a good guy and I'm sure he will make someone very happy one day, but we clearly weren't meant to be. I had a lot of fun with the single life and intended to maintain it for awhile, but got knocked off my feet by a particularly attractive and wonderful gentleman, whom I now date on the regular! He treats me like an absolute princess. He always makes sure we get to spend time together (he lives 45 minutes away), takes me out to dinner/lunch/breakfast all the time, we go out a lot, he's introduced me to some wonderful people! He's also super super cute, which never hurts! He's got a degree, a steady job that pays well, and a HOUSE with a pool! seriously, deal of the day. He also love my friends and actually is an active participant in my life. Its so crazy and awesome and I really just can't say enough about how great this is! We are going down to Arizona together at the end of the month... I'm beyond pumped. So, there's that!

Change 2: Work Life 08! As dissapointed as I was to leave subway, I've finally moved on to bigger and better things (though I wont lie, I still work at subway here and there for some extra cash, haha). I was granted a research fellowship through Merck Laboratories, and have spend the summer working directly under the head of the neuroscience department at my school doing neuroimmunology research. I do a lot of outside research and experiment planning, and tons of tissue staining and mounting. Most exciting, though, is that I recently did my first surgery! It definitely didn't go flawlessly, but I've seen worse! (I know people who passed out before they even anesthetized their mouse!) We are working on some pretty novel stuff, and if all goes well we will be presenting our data at the Society for Neuroscience conference in November in Washington, DC! Crazy crazy stuff.

Change 3: Living Life 08! For the first time, I spent my summer almost entirely in Boston. My living situation hasnt been ideal, and consequently I've spent a lot of time at home, but I've also discovered some really neat spots around here. I've come upon a dance studio that offers drop in classes, and am taking classes here and there, which is amazing. More excitingly, I finally move into my own place in about 2 weeks! I am moving to Mission Hill (but not ON the hill, its actually a fairly nice area) into an apartment with my girl Kait and her bunny, Burroughs! I will finally have my own bedroom and kitchen and its right across from an awesome bar and my favorite pizza place (yes, I can see this going terribly wrong too). Hopefully everyone will get a chance to come visit me now that I'll have my own place, we can go to the bar across the street and not even have to worry about walking home!

So those are the major changes... life is so good right now. I've got one more year left of school... then a year or so off, then med school! While I'm in Arizona with my boy I'll be changing my residency so that I can hopefully go to the University of Arizona, and start my life over on the West coast!!

So there you go, few livejournalers remaining. What's everyone else been up to?

See you in another year or so probably, haha!

Current mood: accomplished

Saturday, November 17, 2007

11:56PM

What the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I always thought this could work, I could balance, I was doing right, but its all wrong, its questionable as to what will work, and I'll do all that I can, and I'm doing all that I can. It's a dream that needs to start taking action into reality and I'm not taking it and its my own fault, but can I do it? It looks like no, I'm not prepared, did I work this hard where a year is worth losing it all? no? I don't know. It's books and lives and rooms and everything in life that makes this what it is, and I hope it works out and I've taken step 1a. to change it, step 1b tomorrow morning. Step 1.5 tomorrow afternoon, plus Tilly needs a sweater (she got a haircut, and its cold outside!). Please let this work out for me. I know what I need to do now and I genuinely want this. I really do. Everything we talk is about the future, but someday that future is now and shit, here it is. I generally feel self confident but what is this? this is other peoples lives and futures and this is me pretending to be something that I may not be, and how do I know and who is going to break the truth to me?

Anyway, voting myself off the island for the next decade or so. Please let me off, in each of the part a. b. c. d. ways. Please let this work, I am trying so hard to do whats right for me and this. I am almost behind.

Also: Regardless of where I am, what I'm doing, etc., I am always true to what I say, or at least as always as anyone can be. I am honest to myself and others, and I'm sorry for you if thats not the case.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

8:58AM

I have come to realize that my issue with liking people is that I only like people who are real. I have found, to date, 6 REALLY real people. And thats awesome, I am so happy to say I have those 6 great friends. But man, what does that say about the rest of the world?

You are alll faaakahhhhhs. I would absolutley hate my life if my actions contradicted my words, but I mean, whatever you're into I guess. Enjoy it

ps. dont ask me if I think you're real. I don't.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

11:30AM

Life Plan Checklist:

Do Well in School: check!
Save up more money this summer than I ever have before: check!
Find some sort of bio project in a spanish speaking country for winter break: in progress
Get over the past: .......
Save up even more money next summer:
Take said money and backpack across Europe after I graduate: !!!!!
Move to Arizona, North Carolina, or Maryland, basically just leave MA: !!!!!!!!

most everything seems to be in order. Operation frugal school year begins in six days, planning the future has already begun. So, who's going backpacking with me?

Thursday, April 5, 2007

7:27PM

Wow, so... I feel like I have to update, and just tell everyone how absolutely amazing everything about yesterday was. Honestly, I think it was the best birthday I have ever had. I have been having trouble figuring out who my true friends are, and blah blah all whiney shit like that, but wow. Yesterday just showed me how truly amazing some people are.

Read more...Collapse )

Current mood: happy

Sunday, March 25, 2007

11:13AM - come back.

There's something about the look in your eyes
Something I noticed when the light was just right
It reminded me twice that I was alive
And it reminded me that you're so worth the fight

My biggest fear will be the rescue of me
Strange how it turns out that way, yeah

Could you show me dear... Something I've not seen?
Something infinitely interesting
Could you show me dear... Something I've not seen?
Something infinitely interesting

Theres something about the way you move
I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing
More subtle than something someone contrives
Your movements echo that I have seen the real thing

Your biggest fear will be the rescue of you
Strange how it turns out that way, yeah

Could you show me dear... Something I've not seen?
Something infinitely interesting
Could you show me dear... Something I've not seen?
Something infinitely interesting

Monday, March 19, 2007

11:45PM

I'm updating to avoid outlining.

Rome was indescribable. Hands-down best experience of my life. It made me seriously rethink so many things about my life. I really need to travel more now, while I still can. There's no chance of me travelling once I'm in med school or residency. Sometimes I wish I had nothing to hold onto here so that I could be a total gypsy and just move everywhere and never settle down, but experience the whole world. That would be amazing.

Meanwhile, there are only 6ish weeks of school left. I'm excited to have barbecues and swim and be so close to my home friends again.

Me and Brian have been together for 4 years as of next Wednesday. I have been alive for 20 years as of the wednesday after that. Throw me a party, seriously. Or just come up to Boston and visit me, I miss seeing non-Bostonians.

Oh and, not to be a downer, but like. It's really not fair when I've been wanting sometime for years, and I can't have it, but other people who won't even appreciate it get it. Doesn't that seem fucked up? My life would probably be so much better if I could have it, too. So really, feel my jealousy.

Friday, March 16, 2007

4:45PM

It was good, but short-lived. I guess I should appreciate these breif glimpses of how things could be as a sign that they might possibly be there some day. For now, back to sedation. If anyone is capable of bringing me back to where I was then we might be in love.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

11:32PM

Nothing will ever change on it's own. Nothing has changed here.
I think, I hope, that when I'm done undergraduate school, I'll move to Arizona.
It will be hot all the time. Sunny all the time. But not humid! That's my ideal weather right there.
Arizona is beautiful. I could also utilize my spanish alot, because there is a huge percent of spanish-speakers there.
It's cheaper to live in Arizona. MUCH cheaper than living in MA.
They don't have daylight savings time there. How sweet is that?
I have family there. So, I wouldn't have to go to a new place and have no friends. My cousin John is moving back, and he is only a few years older than me. He could probably introduce me to some fun people.
I really, really want this. This is giving me hope that I can change everything.

Current mood: sad

Thursday, January 4, 2007

12:59AM


New Years was completely insane. 6 friends piled into a minivan, 3 parties, and a whole lot of champagne. One of the greatest I've had in awhile, and it gives me alot of hope that 2007 will be so much better than 2006.


New Years Resolutions:
Be more reasonable and rational
Look for the positive side of things
Enjoy myself and don't let things that I have no control over get to me.


I know that I have some irrational/unreasonable ways, but I really have been making a huge effort to change them. I hope that the people who know me well enough to see these faults can notice this, and give me a chance to change.


I am home for 2 more weeks. Let's hang out.

Current mood: hopeful

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

1:08AM

Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind
Inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open views inciting and inviting me.
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns,
It calls me on and on across the universe
Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

4:49PM - Happy Birthday, Emily

This year, 2006, began in a car with 2 15 year olds in the back in the middle of one of the worst blizzards of that winter. I missed making midnight at the party by about 10 minutes. I should have taken that as a hint to sleep through the rest of the year.

There was last spring semester. Suuuucked. There was everything that happened over spring break... and then kept happening. There was that feeling where I needed to rethink my entire life. There was the summer, when I was a slave to Subway for the entire time. There were the obscene drunken fights, and the loss of friends that I didn't think I would lose. There were a few good weeks at the end of summer/beginning of the semester, and then the stress of everything came down harder than ever.

And now this. And at this time. Christmas eve will never be the same. I have never cared less about christmas than I did this year. All I wanted was for my presents to be already opened, or not even there. I really couldn't care less. Now I'm stuck here, and all I want is to come home, but I can't even have that. I always say how much I hate winter and wish it were warm the whole time, but more than ever right now I want Massachusetts and I want cold weather and I want everything that makes me feel at home. All this nice weather is doing is saying to me "fuck you, the rest of the world is fine and moving on, whether you're with them or not."

All this year has been is one big string of mental breakdowns. This is just the final blow. If you don't know, don't ask. Antonio told me that the worst possible thing in the world is to have people feel sorry for you, and I think he's right. I just need to vent.

2007 can only be better. If anyone knows of a way to get to Dani's that I can get in on, or another place that I can get to, I would really appreciate that. I am not capable of making plans or decisions right now.

Current mood: crushed

Thursday, May 18, 2006

6:02PM

MY SISTER IS LISTENING TO STREETLIGHT MANIFESTO. ALL SHE LIKES ARE ILL BEATS. THAT MEANS SHE STOLE MY SHIT AND I HATE IT.


today is the worst day that I have had in awhile. I don't even want to get into it. I had very little faith in people, but the tiny bit I had is completely gone. Fuck everything that happened today, and especially fuck all of you.

I need to leave New England.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

11:42AM

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAS;DLG;ASDJGHS;DJGHDSA;KGJD;GKJDHG;DSKJGHS;GJA
I DIDNT THINK I'D BE ABLE TO GET GOOD GRADES THIS SEMESTER BECAUSE OF MY STUPID MUSIC CLASS OR MY RELIGION CLASS BUT I GOT ALLLLLL MOTHAFUCKIN A'S AS;DHG;ASKHGA;SKGJHAS;GHG;DJGAJG;SAKJGHSG
THAT BRINGS MY GPA UP TO A 3.853 WHICH ROUNDS UP TO A 3.MOTHAFUCKIN9 WHICH IS ONE POINT BELOW A 4.0!!
I'M SO HAPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
ADL;IG;ASDUHGA;SDGHS'D
GPSDG;SDILGHA'SD
GJSD;KGJSDgsaD'G
Beginning Spanish II: A
History of Christianity II: A-
Relationships/Marriage/Family: A
Musics of the World: A-
Introduction to Statistics: A
Term GPA: 3.868

sof;asgsagagagsdgsa im sooooo happyyyyyyyyy

Sunday, May 7, 2006

2:45PM - If you consider yourself my friend, you might want to read this.

I have a bit to say.

Alot of unexpected things have been happening in my life lately. And alot of expected but unpleasant things have been happening as well. Unfortunately, I think recent events have made me officially jaded. It's an unpleasant thing to say, but I've actually been finding strength from it. I've realized one HUGE life lesson: when it comes down to it, the only person you can depend on is yourself. There is absolutely no one that will be there for you ALL the time, except for yourself. Sure, there are great people that will be there for you as often as they can. Those are the people that are important, and the people that you should hang on to. But things can change unexpectly at anytime. People can turn on you. People can deceive you, people can betray you, or people can just dissapear. It doesnt always have to be other people doing things to you, either. People may just grow apart. There could be some sort of freak accident that takes someone who you love. There are so many possibilities, but they all lead to the same conclusion: you absolutely cannot depend on anyone but yourself. I have found myself so much happier now that I don't rely on other people to make me happy. Because even the person you are most sure isn't guaranteed to be there tomorrow.
A few weeks ago, or maybe even months, Laura and I decided to start a new way of living that only involves things that are fun and make us happy. That means letting go of certain things. That means not letting other people bring me down. So here goes.
I'm starting completely over with my friendships. There are 3 people that are the people I talked about above, who will be there for me as often as they can. They mean the absolute world to me, and I am so glad that they are in my life. Everyone else, I am starting over. I have let myself get walked on WAY to often. I will say this: there is only ONE person out of all the people I associate with myself that I dislike. Everyone knows who this is, its not some sort of secret. Everyone else... I genuinely enjoy your company. If I ask you to hang out, its because I want to be around you. But I'm SO sick of people treating me like dirt. I am a nice person. I am not one to talk about myself, or compliment myself, but I really think I am a pretty nice person. If I know you and you need a favor, I will help you if I can. I will go out of the way for people that I barely even know. I will help my friends with absolutely anything I can. I consider myself to be courteous with everyone, even if I don't particularly like you. I don't ever exclude people; if I'm having a party and you want to bring your friends its probably fine. If I see you and I'm going somewhere, I'll invite you. I'll give my friends rides anytime I can. All I want to do is have fun, and for other people to have fun with me. But people abuse this to the most ridiculous degree. Everyone I know will hang out, and conveniently not invite me. My friends will come to my work while I'm closing, walk out with me, and then take off and let me go home by myself. My friends will go out to dinner with EVERYONE but me. They will ignore me and not call me forever, until they need a favor. And I'm such a sucker that I will still do it. I will call people and ask if they want to hang out, and they will basically say "yeah, if nothing better comes up". I'm done not being the better option. I will always try and make my guests happy, and entertain them. I have been known many times to just give away my alcohol for free because I want people to have a good time. But people just walk all over me. Guess what, I do realize when I'm being excluded. I'm realistic; I know that sometimes people just end up hanging out and it's not planned. Exclusion isn't always the case; but it happens so often that absolutely no one can deny it anymore. And I'm done putting up with it. This doesnt just apply to just a few people, almost everyone who considers or has considered themselves my friend has done this to me, and quite often. I realize that it's my fault for allowing it to happen. So, I'm done. I don't like writing about my problems with people over livejournal, but this applies to so many people that I can't possibly address them all individually. If you want to know what I think of you personally, just ask. I'm done pretending like the way everyone treats me doesnt bother me. I said above that I genuinely enjoy being around almost everyone, and its true. I like you all when you're around me. I just don't like the way you treat me when I'm not there. I'm absolutely, 100% done with being the friend you keep on reserve, and you ask to hang out when theres no one else around, or when you're in the mood for a bigger group, or when the people that you for some strange reason suck up to aren't around.
I've realize that most of the people that I've considered my 'friends' aren't even that. I read my old livejournal entries, and there were alot of comments saying "you know I'll always be there for you". How many of those people are here now? Almost none. How many people who are my 'friends' realize how much fucked up shit I'm going through right now? How many of you even realize that I'm going through something at all? If you don't know, don't ask. It's none of your business. But really. Last semester, how many of you realized how hard a time I was going through when it looked like my grandfather was going to pass away? How many of you even knew it was happening? You don't have to know these things were going on... but don't call yourself my friend, and act like we have some great relationship.
I am jaded, but this realistic attitude has made things so much better for me. I have taken action MYSELF to be the person that makes me happy. Things have changed so incredibly much for me. I wish I could say it didn't have to rely on medication, but I honestly feel like one day, maybe not in the too far future, I can be happy without needing to take assloads of pills every day at 3:30. But right now, thats whats working for me. I have my three amazing friends, whom I appreciate so very much. But I also now know that I can be happy even if I'm on my own. I don't need anyone's bullshit. I don't deserve it, and I'm done putting up with it. If you want to be friends, just fucking try. Apologize for how you've treated me, don't try and deny the fact that it's happened. I will probably give you a chance to make things right. I have been really into chances lately.
Sorry about the long entry, but I had alot to say. If no one reads the whole thing... well that just proves my point even more, I guess. I hope everyone has a great summer.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

10:52PM

just kidding.




















look at my new facebook album.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

3:54PM

dear beckee...Collapse )

Friday, April 7, 2006

12:25AM - oh, sugarcult. bum me out a little more

This may never start
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory
Lost your sense of fear
Feelings insincere
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted
Just like I imagined
I could never feel this way
So get back, back, back to the disaster
My heart's beating faster
Holding on to feel the same

This may never start
I'll tear us apart
Can I be your enemy
Losing half a year
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything

So get back, back, back to where we lasted
Just like I imagine
I could never feel this way
So get back, back, back to the disaster
My heart's beating faster
Holding on to feel the same

This may never start
Tearin' out my heart
I'd be your memory
Lost your sense of fear
Feelings disappear
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted
Just like I imagine
I could never feel this way
So get back, back, back to the disaster
My heart's beating faster
Holding on to feel the same

This may never start
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory
Lost your sense of fear
Feelings insincere
Can I be your memory?

Sunday, April 2, 2006

9:36PM

everyone please come play on tuesday for my birthday.

I need something fun.

Monday, March 20, 2006

5:17AM

Ha. It's 5:15 am, and I am just fucking listening to music and pretending like I'm dancing. I'm supposed to be quickly bullshitting a paper, but right now its only 2/3 of the way done and I'm on page seven. What the fuck has happened to my life?? I wish I could go into the past and save everything from ending up like this. I think I could do it, if I tried hard enough.


Back to dancing.

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